


you must know

by rlightwood1965



Category: The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types
Genre: M/M, Waywood, michael's love confession, michael's thoughts, the evil we love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-22
Updated: 2020-11-22
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:14:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 819
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27672533
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rlightwood1965/pseuds/rlightwood1965
Summary: I'm sorry, but not for loving you.
Relationships: Robert Lightwood & Michael Wayland, Robert Lightwood/Michael Wayland
Comments: 9
Kudos: 11





	you must know

**Author's Note:**

> i came back with this thing. nothing happens here, it's just michael thinking during his love confession. as always, waywood have been eating my brain so forgive the fact i can't write in english
> 
> hope you enjoy!

_I never felt my heart beat so fast_

_I'm thinking of him first and of myself last_

_and how happy I want him to be_

The tension is overwhelming. Your body being so next to mine makes me fuzy. Oh, Robert, of course you would sit by my side and put your hand on my shoulder. This is so awkward. Over the years we had many, many moments of intimate proximity, and usually it just felt good and right. Now, it's terrifying.

You made me so confused already. You love me, I know that. But do you mean it, when you rather be with me than with any girl? How could I know that, when you look so insecure most of the time? And seeing you insecure breaks my heart so, so much.

Right now, I won't dare to have any kind of hope.

I want to cry, because I'm pretty sure I'm hurting you. You look so clueless. You don't have any idea of how far this love went. You're so confused and insecure, and I know it's far much deeper than just that, but I believe part of this is my fault, for keeping you in the dark about these feelings.

I don't think I love you more than you love me. Even if you don't have _these feelings,_ what you feel for me as my parabatai and best friend is love. I can feel it, quite literally. Usually feeling your love for me through our parabatai bond makes me so warm and joyful, but now you're sitting by my side and I know the confusion and awkwardness and insecurity is getting on your nerves and making you upset. I'm scared to death of what is going to happen. What I feel is literally a crime. But you're also scared because you're so clueless. Oh, Robert, why? You're so self-conscious, not being able to understand your relationship with people around you is just cruelty.

I'm so worried. I'm doing my best to not build any expectations. Once I tell you, there will be no taking back, I'll have to face the consequences. I'm worried for both of us. If I got it right, this will probably be a huge shock for you, and I can't be sure of how you're going to deal with this shock. 

You being hurt… hurts so much. I guess it's supposed to be like that between parabatai, but your situation is unusual, and for me is like hell. What happened with the adorable twelve years old Robert… horrifying. What people put you through… I'll never understand. Sometimes I even wish I could love you so much that my love would be enough to heal you, but I know that's not only impossible, but selfish. I want you to feel well by yourself and be with me like this. Believe me, if love only could heal your pain, you would be the happiest shadowhunter alive. My love for you would do it.

I don't know what left the ugliest scar on you, your almost-death experience or the way people treated you about it, but the scars are there, aching on your soul. It makes you so, so upset. And you're so, so upset right now that you know I was lying all this time. Lying about the nature of our relationship. It's not fair, it's not fair, it's not fair, it's not fair, it's not fair, it's not fair, _it's not fair._

I said it. Whispered, actually, with my head down. (You thought I was in love with Eliza and I want to cry out of frustration). I'm scared. I want so hard that you understand, Robert, that you don't need people's approval, you don't need your horrible parents' approval, you don't need Maryse's approval. _By the Angel, Robert, you don't need Valentine. You must see that, you must…!_

You must love yourself. You must do what you believe it's right. The fact that you don't love yourself makes me so frustrated, because I can't love you for both of us, you need to love yourself so you can find happiness.

And hopefully… I'll be part of that happiness.

You didn't get it, I'll have to repeat it. I turn my head to face you. Our faces close. We're so close it's terrifying. It's getting dark, but looking at your lovely tough face at this close never felt so real and tangible. And I can see. You heard it. A part of you knows exactly what I said, but the shock was so extreme that your brain rejected the information. If this is the last time I'll get to look at your lovely eyes this close, with them looking black and relentless, I don't mind. You could be looking like a ruthless monster, and my feelings would be the same. I'm going to say it now.

~~(I'm sorry, but not for loving you.)~~

**Author's Note:**

> the lyrics are from the disney song "I didn't know that I could feel this way"  
> pleease leave me feedback if you're confortable doing so.  
> i love waywood and it's a pleasure writing about them, hope you've enjoyed them here too!


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